Look, your fancy collectible card games are all very well, and I’m saying this as someone who was once amongst the Top 100 ranked Gwent players in Oceania—but there’s a timeless appeal to card games that are simple, accessible, and fun. Games like, oh, I don’t know, UNO… a game whose latest World Championship was announced today. What are the chances, eh?
The UNO World Championship Series is open to anyone, and first prize is $50,000. I don’t know how much y’all think writing pays these days, but the combination of that figure and the words “open to anyone” mean only one thing: that’s right, baby, Gizmodo will be entering! There are three in-person qualifying tournaments, which will be held in Orlando on October 3, Chicago on October 10, and Los Angeles on October 17. But this is the 21st century, so you don’t even to show up to those qualifiers in person. You can also qualify via the game’s mobile app, which is the route I’ll be taking to untold riches. (Or five figures after tax, at least.)
I’ll be honest—I’m pretty sure I last played UNO on one of several equally fractious family holidays during the 1980s, so my skills might be a wee bit rusty. But first things first! Before we worry about that, we’ll need the UNO app. And, umm, the first thing you notice about that app is its idiosyncratic demographic groups. The age verification screen wants to know into which of the following categories you fall: “4–11”, “12–15”, “16–25”, and “26+.” Clearly this is a serious business, and three-year-olds will just have to wait until their next birthday.
Once I’ve confirmed that yes, I am over 26, it’s time to hit the UNO… gym. The app itself is functional enough, although it feels more complicated and performance-heavy than it needs to be, in that characteristic way legacy companies’ apps for properties that draw big revenues with small rulebooks (Scrabble, Risk, Monopoly) tend to be. There are daily challenges, a suitably inclusive suite of avatars from which to choose, the inevitable in-game currency, character levels, achievements, and something called an “UNO Fun Pack.” It unlocks when you have accumulated 200 golden wotsits.
The game defaults to 2 vs 2 mode, for some reason, but there’s only one of me. So I select “Single Mode,” and—oh, OK. You need 80 golden thingamajigs for that. Actually, no, I should be more specific: you need 80 golden trophies, which are not to be confused with gold coins, diamonds (which are in fairness, not gold), or actual U.S. dollars, all of which can be used to purchase various in-game accoutrements.
The game has been inviting me repeatedly to “GO WILD!”, so I decide to follow its advice, and I go wild by selecting… the one option available to me. It’s to join a 2×2 match. I’m grouped with three fellow neophytes: a purple-haired girl named LoriWeiss; someone called VirgoSunrise, whose avatar somehow manages to smell of patchouli; and, god help me, “Sum41Guy.” If I got to choose (I don’t) I’d choose LoriWeiss. She looks cool. But honestly, just so long as I don’t get paired with Sum41Guy, I’ll be happy. Terrible fucking band. Pop punk is the very wor—
Oh, hey, I got paired with LoriWeiss! Sweet. The game informs me helpfully that if either of us disposes of all our cards, we’ll win, but only if we say “Uno!” when we have one card left. I’m dealt a yellow Draw Two and a bunch of green cards. Lori starts, and we’re playing yellow cards when my turn comes around. Ha! I play a Draw Two, and Sum41Guy has to suck it up. Around we go, and this time it’s green, and… Hey, what’s this card do? Wait, I can play all my green cards at once? Damn—that sure as hell wasn’t a thing last time I played. Anyway! Uno, bitches! And we are done! I’m one for one. This $50k is mine.
LoriWeiss and I are presented with a bunch of gold coins, which are not gold trophies, and then I get a message notifying me that she’d like to team up again. Damn right, Lori. We dispatch our next set of opponents in rapid time, and Lori sends me a little present. Lori, if you’re reading this, I’d send you one back but I have no idea how to do so. Thank you, though!
Anyway, I’d better—wait, Sum41Guy is challenging us to play again. Am I going to turn down a challenge from him? Like hell I am. And is he going to beat me and Lori this time? Ahem. No. No, I believe he’s still waiting.
Three in a row! Anyway, I really should—OK, fine, Lori. One more. The addition of the magic dump-all-your-cards card makes these games a whole lot quicker than they used to be. (According to this UNO Wiki, the card in question is called “Discard All” and it was added with UNO Attack, one of a bewildering number of variations on the basic game released over the years. Did you know that there’s UNO Cricket? There’s UNO Cricket!)
So look, while I have no doubt that this is not beginners’ luck, and that LoriWeiss and I are a dream team who would happily dispatch opponents until the cows come home, I really have to stop and actually write this article. (I’m sorry, Lori, but we’ll always have Sum41Guy.) And look out world, this latest get-slightly-wealthy scheme is totally going to be the one that works out. See you in late August!
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