Do you remember where you were on March 15, 1991? Maybe you were at work or school. Maybe you weren’t alive. Maybe your parents weren’t alive. But I know that I was in Chester, NY, watching a brand-new movie that had just opened called If Looks Could Kill.
I remember that day, 35 years ago this week, because it was the first time I actively went to see a movie on its opening day. I was so beyond excited to see Richard Grieco from 21 Jump Street as a high school student getting mistaken for a super spy that I made a point of getting to the theater as soon as I could. I was 11 years old.
Anyone who loves movies has those special memories of going to the theater for a classic film. You remember where you sat. The car you arrived in. The smell of the popcorn. I don’t remember any of that from seeing If Looks Could Kill, unfortunately, but I do remember telling my mom, for the first time ever, I couldn’t wait until Saturday or Sunday to see this movie. I simply had to see it as soon as possible. And as someone who would soon make seeing movies on opening night a habit, that was a big deal. Especially when I eventually decided that watching movies is what I wanted to do for a living.
But what of the film itself? I probably hadn’t seen If Looks Could Kill in 20 years. And, when I popped in the overpriced DVD I ordered off Amazon in preparation for this, I thought it would be like watching it for the first time. But it wasn’t. My 11-year-old mind shot right back, and I had a nostalgic blast watching this silly James Bond rip-off. I also began to piece together what it was about this movie, in 1991, that made it so important to me.
Long story short, If Looks Could Kill is the ultimate wish fulfillment of any young person under the age of 15. It’s about a cool high school kid named Michael Corben (Grieco) who can’t graduate because he failed French. So, to make up the credit, he goes on a summer school trip to France. Already it’s like, “How does that make any sense?” But it gets better.
At the same time, many prominent European officials are being mysteriously murdered, culminating in the UK’s top secret agent named Blade, played by Roger Daltrey (yes, that Roger Daltrey), also being killed. To retaliate, the U.S. decides to send our very own super-secret spy to find the bad guys. His name? Michael Corben. Unfortunately for the government, that Michael Corben gets killed at the airport. Fortunately for the audience, the bad guys don’t know there’s a second Michael Corben on the flight, our Michael Corben. So, French failure Michael Corben gets the spy’s first-class ticket, picked up at the airport by a chaperone, and ends up in a James Bond-inspired warehouse loaded with tons of cool gadgets. Along the way, he keeps trying to tell them he’s not a spy, until they roll out a red Lotus.
The insanely awesome car is Michael’s sign to stop being honest and buy into the fantasy. So he speeds away and immediately encounters a gorgeous woman in an equally gorgeous car (Gabrielle Anwar). They race, and, eventually, we realize she’s Blade’s daughter and key to helping Michael defeat the bad guys. There’s also X-ray specs, gambling, sex, exploding bubble gum, and, of course, by the end, high school French failure Michael Corben becomes America’s number one spy.
It’s ludicrous and yet, especially through 35-year-old goggles, just undeniably enticing. Who doesn’t want to be a tuxedo-wearing spy? Who doesn’t want to run around evil lairs with machine guns? Who wouldn’t love to own a free red sports car? It’s all too much. Even watching it now, I couldn’t help but laugh at the way the film so brazenly moves from scene to scene with almost no logic, just to get to the next fun, exciting interaction.
That works because the villains are excellent too. They’re played by Oscar winner Linda Hunt as Ilsa Grunt, a small but deadly killer assassin, and the devilish Roger Rees, best known by my generation as the Sheriff of Rottingham in Mel Brooks’ Men in Tights. Rees plays Augustus Steranko (the names are incredible), an official the U.S. thinks is an ally but is really a brutal, killer maniac. Of course, he’s also got his very own brutish James Bond henchman, Zigesfeld (Tom Rack), who has a bionic hand. And we can’t forget the actual best character in the movie, Michael’s French teacher and friendly antagonist, Miss Grober, played by the iconic Robin Bartlett (Shutter Island, The Fabelmans). She’s got arguably the best lines in the entire movie.
Not that any of the villains ever had a chance, though. Not when Michael Corben has a cool car, high-top sneakers that stick to the wall, and the girl of his dreams on his arm.
Watching If Looks Could Kill made me feel 11 again, for better and worse. On one hand, it reminded me of why I love movies, why I was so excited about this one in particular, and all the nostalgia that comes with fond memories like this one. On the other hand, it was definitely embarrassing to think about how, for a long time, I had no problem ignoring how silly this movie is, how blatantly chauvinist and sexist it is, and never considered all the problematic elements that came with making a high school movie in 1991. But such is life when you are, or want to be, Michael Corben.
Directed by William Dear (Angels in the Outfield) and based on an idea by Fred Dekker (another Germain classic, The Monster Squad), If Looks Could Kill is, incredibly enough, currently available to watch for free on YouTube (with ads). Here’s the link. And no, I still don’t exactly know why it’s called that.
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