Taylor Swift is hearing wedding bells, but every website on Earth just hears the ka-ching of a cash register.
At Gizmodo, we pride ourselves on bringing you the best updates in tech, science, and general nerd-ery, but every once in a while, a story comes along that sends a shockwave across the newsroom. Sometimes a story produces a collective groan with the dawning realization that the attention economy is about to be monopolized, and we, by nature, are going to miss out. Sometimes there’s a story that will set the gears of Google whirring, and SEO specialists will use it to prove to their bosses that they are geniuses for straightforwardly covering the tiniest nuggets of information. Today, one of those stories dropped like an atomic bomb: Taylor Swift is marrying what’s-his-name.
Like clockwork, blogs, newspapers, TikTok channels, influencers, and Twitch streamers sprang into action, carefully crafting the perfect piece with all the right keywords to please the algorithm. It must have a snappy headline, use big, bold subheds that answer pressing questions even if the answers don’t exist, and it needs to be turned around fast!
Who is Taylor Swift engaged to?
His name is Travis Kelce. He is not this guy:
That’s Travis Kalanick, the disgraced founder of Uber, who may or may not be experiencing a bit of AI psychosis these days.
Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, now fiancé, is this guy:
He plays football, but these days, he is better known as a podcaster. Last year, Kelce and his brother, Jason Kelce, signed a reported $100 million deal to keep speaking into microphones on Jeff Bezos’s dime.
When is the wedding?
I don’t know! Anyone who says they know is lying.
How was Taylor Swift’s hair in the engagement photos?
Looked fairly normal. What you’d call a normal hair day.
What does Donald Trump think?
Previously, the President has said he does not care for Taylor Swift. “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!” he once posted on Truth Social. But on Tuesday, Trump took a different tone when he was asked about Swift’s engagement during a cabinet meeting at the White House. “Well, I wish him a lot of luck,” Trump told reporters with a Cheshire grin. He elaborated with magnanimity, saying, “I think he’s a great guy, and I think she’s a terrific person, so I wish them a lot of luck.”
If you think it’s fake news that Taylor Swift’s engagement is bringing the country together, watch the clip for yourself:
What are the Powerball numbers for Aug 25?
You lost.
Will Labubu be there?
Anything is possible.
So off this blog goes, ready to be parsed by algorithms and Swifties looking for anyone who might have an unkind word for their queen. All I can say is, Google, look what you made me do.
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