Stranger Things fever is at an all-time high. The show ends forever tomorrow, and we’ll finally get to see if good—aided by science, superpowers, junk food, and Dungeons & Dragons-inspired strategy—will triumph over evil and allow the long-suffering heroes of Hawkins to move on with their lives. In these precious few hours when there are still plenty of Stranger Things unknowns, let’s do the silliest thing imaginable and rank all the couples on the show (inclusive of pairings that are romantic, platonic, and… more abstract) according to how much chemistry they have.
Leaving aside the main characters who are not attached in any way (Will, Murray, Kali, Holly, and the rest of the young kids), we’ll start from least sizzling and work our way up to red hot.
10. The Wheelers
This marriage has long been in trouble—who could forget Karen’s crush on Billy, circa his bad-boy lifeguard era? (No doubt she hasn’t.) At this point, no amount of wine, golf, or demogorgon battles seems likely to reignite any passion here.
9. Eleven and Mike
Ah, season three: everyone hung out at the mall, and Stranger Things was completely invested in this tweenage love affair. Hopper’s overprotective hovering couldn’t stop these two from smooching on the sly. But now that Eleven and Mike are high school age, prime time for raging hormones, their spark seems to have gone out completely. Sure, they’re still close, but they favor chaste hugs when they reunite—and while Mike’s determined to make Eleven dream of a life post-Vecna, somewhere involving at least one waterfall, we’re getting mostly friendship vibes from these two.
8. Nancy and Jonathan
Speaking of couples who are better off as friends, it took a brush with death inside a melting building, but Nancy and Jonathan finally realized that breaking up was the best way forward for each of them. After all the negativity they’d flung at each other, their heart-to-heart capped by Jonathan’s “un-proposal” was such a relief. They’ll be bonded forever, but marriage is thankfully not in the cards.
7. Hopper and Joyce
This relationship has settled into a place that would feel almost comfortable if not for the circumstances surrounding them. Will Joyce and Hopper, who’ve known each other since high school but only became a couple recently, be able to make it work once the chaos that pushed them together subsides? There are certainly feelings between them, but the longevity here is debatable, even without taking Hopper’s suicidal tendencies into consideration.
6. Dr. Kay and her mission
Nobody gets in the way of Dr. Kay and her deranged plan to force a superpowered captive to produce blood that’s infused into pregnant women (also being held captive) in the hopes of creating a new generation of superpowered soldiers who can assure American military supremacy. Nobody. That might not be love, but it sure is devotion.
5. Max and Lucas
As it turns out, Max didn’t need Kate Bush to guide her out of Vecna’s mind prison—she just needed to feel Lucas’ hand and know he was there on the other side, believing that she’d one day open her eyes again. We hope these two kids can make it work, but there’s a strong possibility that the Nancy-Jonathan “shared trauma” situation could repeat itself here too.
4. Steve and Dustin
Stranger Things is now a well-established safe space, but Steve and Dustin are not (alas) a romantic couple. However, they are besties forever—now that they’ve learned they need to talk about their feelings and clear the air before engaging in any more violent physical confrontations. At the very least, don’t break another walkie-talkie, your only lifeline to safety in the Upside Down.
3. Mr. Clarke (aka “Snookums”) and the librarian (aka “Sugar Lump”)
Murray takes great delight in clowning on Mr. Clarke’s pet name, but maybe he’s just a little jealous that love has bloomed between two of the nerdiest faculty members at Hawkins High School. We’re delighted for Snookums and Sugar Lump. Long may they reign.
2. Vecna and his mission
Dr. Kay is laser-focused on her objective, but she could, conceivably, walk away at any moment and go do something else. Vecna is cosmically entwined with his evil scheme to merge the Abyss with Earth, using Hawkins as a crash point—and while we don’t know all the details about his motivations, origins, or hopes for the future, we can definitely see he’s fully committed to achieving his endgame. 2gether 4ever.
1. Robin and Vickie
One day. Enzo’s. Dinner and dessert. If Stranger Things‘ most believable, most adorable couple doesn’t get their long-awaited date by the end of the finale episode, “The Rightside Up,” we’re cancelling our Netflix subscriptions and never looking back.
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